Maria’s Story

My Experience with the Black Dog of Depression

                Me and my black dog, Coco, walking in the campo in Spain. 

If you’d met me 10 years ago, you wouldn’t recognise me as the person I am today. I was a mess!

Hi, I’m Maria Gaian.

I’m a neurodivergent abuse survivor and for most of my life I struggled with anxiety, depression and complex post traumatic stress.

I bounced from drama to drama attracting bullies, baiters and manipulators into my life with alarming regularity.

No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to create the kind of happy life I dreamed of.

I felt like anxiety and depression were embedded in my DNA.

Over the years I’ve experienced: –

🐺 abuse of all kinds;

🌻 bereavement;

🐺 heartbreak;

🌻 divorce;

🐺 business failure;

🌻 abandonment;

🐺 rejection;

🌻 betrayal;

🐺 and chronic illness

and somehow I managed to box all that pain up and hide it away so I didn’t have to face it, or feel it.

I was in denial, believing I was coping when really I was avoiding dealing with any of the pain.

People would tell me I was strong for surviving everything, but I felt broken beyond repair!

Pain and trauma don’t like to be suppressed and in 2013, they bubbled to the surface and demanded my attention.

Triggered by an abusive landlord, everything fell apart.

This man was violent and threatening and reminded me so much of my abusive stepfather. I began to withdraw from life.

Everything I touched seemed to turn to sh*t and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get myself together. I started to dissociate.

My business failed and my family and I were publicly humiliated on social media by a bunch of rumour mongers we’d never even met!

The guilt, shame, regret, pain and grief overwhelmed me. It was the last straw and I had a nervous breakdown.

I had severe clinical anxiety and depression and I couldn’t cope with life anymore.

My

🌻 body;

🐺 mind;

🌻 Soul;

🐺 and heart

were exhausted and I wanted out.

            All I did was lay in bed, trapped in the prison of my own mind. 

            This photo was taken to prove to my husband that I was safe.

Doctors prescribed a cocktail of antidepressants and antipsychotics, but all they did was make me feel like a zombie.

I spent most of my time asleep in bed, barely showered and would only eat junk food.

My family were everything to me, but I wasn’t there for them.

All I wanted to do was escape from the prison of my own mind.

I wanted the pain to end.

My soul was so wounded that I didn’t feel like my life was worth living anymore.

What changed?

It all came to a head one day when my little girl, who was about 5 years old, asked me to get out of bed and come eat dinner with her.

As always, I refused, preferring to stay in the sanctuary of my bed.

But as I spoke, I saw the pain in my beloved child’s eyes and something inside of me broke open.

I knew I had to make a choice – end it, or do my best to heal and be there for my family again.

I’ll be honest, my inner bitch was on overdrive, telling me that my family would all be better off without me dragging them down. That if I ended it, they could all move on.

But as I was thinking about all this, a song came on the radio.

I’d heard the song before, I was familiar with it.

The song was ‘Dance Again’ by Jennifer Lopez and I took it to be a sign.

But this time the lyrics hit me so hard in the heart, I just started to cry.

I DID want to dance again and love again.

And I made the choice to do everything in my power to get better.

I tried so many things to help me heal.

🌻 coaching;

🐺 counselling;

🌻 medication;

🐺 supplements;

🌻 complementary therapies;

🐺 psychotherapy;

🌻 ecotherapy;

the list goes on.

I was already a certified coach and counselor, so it made sense that I tried those first.

Sadly, they weren’t as effective as I hoped they’d be. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I think it was just that no-one had the kind of program I needed.

I tried all sorts of other therapies. Some were more effective than others and some were so effective that I decided to certify as a practitioner.

Whilst I did feel better in a lot of respects, I felt like there was still something missing and I thought I was stuck with the Black Dog forever.

I realised that I was having real difficulty letting go of the past. There was so much trauma and I didn’t know who I was without it.

So in desperation, I asked Google how I could let go of the pain and the repetitive thoughts that kept me trapped in depression.

A full moon ritual for letting go was in the list of responses and I decided to give it a try.

I’ll talk more about the details in further posts. But that moon ritual changed my life.

Everything changed when I discovered ways to manage my mental health and wellness that were so simple they felt like magick!

In my desperate search for a cure for my mental and emotional pain, I discovered the healing power of green witchcraft.

It didn’t just change my life – it saved it.

Over the last few years I’ve learned so much about depression from both my own experiences and the lived experiences of other people. 

I believe that we’re treating depression all wrong and we need to look at more ways of healing from it than antidepressants and years of talk therapy. 

I’m the creatrix of The Gaian Method™ which consists of 4 key elements to help you to ditch the black dog of depression: –

1. Therapeutic Witchcraft™;

2. Neuroscience based coaching and therapy tools;

3. Practical lifestyle changes;

4. The 7 ‘C’s’ – compassion, clarity, community, connection, courage, creativity and contribution.  

These four fundamental elements alchemized together helped me to heal and thrive as if by magick!

Today, I live my dream life, halfway up a magickal mountain in Spain with my Soulmate, five grown up children and a bunch of familiars – aka horses, dogs, cats, and birds. 

I no longer suffer from debilitating bouts of depression. Yes, I get sad and sometimes have low moods, but that’s part of being human.

But the Black Dog no longer nips at my heels like it used to, and when it does try to come back into my life, I know the signs and stop it in its tracks.

Now I want to share how the magick of The Gaian Method™ can help you to ditch the black dog of depression, too.

Curious?

Check out my FREE resources to get started. 

What’s your story? What have you found helpful when it comes to managing depression? What works for you? What have you tried that hasn’t worked? Let me know in the comments.